Leo's Birth Story

Leo Eric Kwesi made his appearance on Sunday, March 21 at 3:56 p.m. Labor began on Saturday morning when I woke up at 10 a.m. and felt something similar to menstrual cramps. I got down on hands and knees in the living room to stretch and breathe, and tried to keep my excitement under control in case this wasn't the real thing. Since they were the first contractions I had felt, I wasn't sure!

It was a beautiful day, sunny and in the 70s, and so Benjamin and I took a long walk in the neighborhood that afternoon, pausing to buy a spinach salad and an iced chai latte from local cafes. By evening we made our way back home for dinner and to watch a movie. Now I was on the exercise ball, rocking and breathing through the stronger contractions. Benjamin began timing them as we watched Tortilla Soup, and by late evening he called the doctor to ask what to do. A little while later when he said he thought we should go into the hospital, we picked up our bags and went. I was nervous that it was too soon and they would tell us to go home and come back later, but I trusted his judgment.

As we drove through Cambridge and Boston nearing midnight, salsa music played on NPR. It cheered me and calmed my nerves. We arrived at the Brigham and Women's Hospital, valeted the car, checked in at the OB admitting office, and went up to triage. After waiting a few minutes, a triage nurse took me back to a small room with lots of equipment, bright lights, and a small bed. The nerves came back as we went through the list of questions. "What's your plan for pain medication? Will you get an epidural, or have natural childbirth?" asked the nurse. "I'm going for natural," I said, not at all sure that it would happen. Finally they checked my cervix, and I was 5 cm dilated. Phew, what a relief! I made it over the first hurdle -- getting admitted to the hospital.

They took us to a labor and delivery room with an awesome nurse who dimmed the lights and told us she'd be back to check on the baby every half hour. So we got comfortable and labored on our own for the next several hours. I sat on the exercise ball on one side of the bed and Benjamin sat on the other side, and we breathed together. I leaned over the bed on a stack of pillows to rest and doze off between contractions. At 7am the doctor came to check on me before another doctor began her shift, and I had dilated to 8cm. Good progress, so I was happy. The contractions felt like cramps that kept getting stronger, and they were manageable with breathing and rocking. The doctor said it probably wouldn't be much longer and offered a shot of pain medication, which I refused.

As it turned out, it would be a while longer. I got in the shower to manage the pain, which helped the sensation and my mood, but not my progress. Despite drinking water and juice, I eventually got quite tired and got out of the shower. 12 p.m. came and went, and I was 9cm dilated. I was nervous about transition and pushing, and it showed.

By 2pm, I had not made any more progress, so they broke my water to get things moving. Then I got grumpy. Throwing up certainly didn't help. I wanted to quit. Wanted no part of this labor thing any more, I was ready to go home thank you very much. Don't bother me, this is not what I want to be doing. The nurse asked me if there was anything she could do, and I asked her to help me keep my sense of humor. She sweetly sidestepped, saying that what I was feeling was completely normal.

I didn't feel the urge to push, but at some point Benjamin encouraged me to start, so I did. Every time a contraction came I pushed with my whole body, and when the nurse encouraged me to "push past that point" I would push harder, even though I was already pushing as hard as I could. Benjamin saw Leo’s head coming out, and was really excited about his hair. I was not as excited, since I still just wanted this to be over. After pushing for 45 minutes, Leo was born with his eyes open, looking very alert.

They put him on me immediately, and left the umbilical cord connected for a few minutes. It was the coolest sensation to be connected to him while he was lying on top of me. I was so exhausted, I remember asking them to help me hold him so that he wouldn't fall. After he stayed with me for a little while, they took him to be weighed and warmed up.

It's amazing to me to think I brought this little being out of my body and into the world. I couldn't have done it without the amazing nurses and my incredible husband. They completely kept me going when I absolutely wanted to quit. I saw that my potential is more than I realize, even when I'm giving it my all. With encouragement and trust, there's still more.

make new friends, but keep the old

This weekend I'm in Bradenton, Florida for a wedding of a good friend I grew up with. She lived across the street from me, and the three of us (she is a twin) shared adventures through middle school and high school. We made our parents an anniversary dinner since their anniversaries are in the same month, they got me into volunteering (with horses! no less), and we shared high school football games and proms together. Now we're "grown," and she's getting married this afternoon.

I haven't done a great job of keeping in touch with these lovely friends of mine, and it's so touching to be here for such a special event in their lives. They were at my wedding, but I made it pretty easy by being in our hometown. In the past I've often derided myself for not keeping in touch with old friends, and it is something I'd like to do better. But, as one friend pointed out recently, it is a two-way street. And I'm glad I came down this way.

job search

So, I graduated with my fancy degrees in May, and now I'm looking for a job. One that pays. Money. I'm not looking for the barter system, thanks.

While this may seem pretty basic, it is actually "not trivial" (a phrase I've borrowed from B who borrowed it from a favorite prof) for me to be looking for a job that pays money. Once upon a time, about a week ago, I would have told you that I didn't care about the pay, as long as it was a job that I loved. In my world, as long as I was doing something exciting, the money would magically appear. On trees? More like from B's job.

B and I had a conversation last week in which I realized that hey, that puts a lot of pressure on him. And hm, expecting him to make the $$ while I "do what I love" is not exactly fair. Nevermind, I would tell myself, he's ok with it. I was totally deluding myself.

For me, it wasn't my job to worry about money, and money wasn't going to be a factor in my marriage. Love conquers all. You didn't know that? Besides, money was bad and dirty, and people who like to make money or who care about money are bad. (but spending money is totally different!) Wait a minute... who is someone I know who cares quite a bit about providing a comfortable life for his family, and is quite interested in making money? That's right, my very own husband.

Suddenly this money thing was not looking so insignificant. It was getting in the way of our marriage, and the love we share. I saw that I could either hang onto this attitude, and reap the problems it creates between us, or let it go and open up to the possibility of abundance in our lives. Once I saw the choice, it was pretty easy to give up the attitude that money is bad and dirty, and I actually got excited about having a job and making money. And in that moment, B and I began working together to provide for our family.

So that's it. I'm on a job search, and I'm ready to find something. And I sent off my first cover letter today, for a dream job as a staff attorney at a non-profit healthcare advocacy organization.

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zoiks, I just realized I already missed my promise of 2 blog posts per week. thanks for keeping me on track! I'll plan to do a short one from Florida this weekend.

team, management and leadership

Wow. I'm in a year-long training for team, management and leadership, and it is incredible. I'm really getting how amazing it is for me to stand for someone's nobility until they see it themselves. And, on the flip side, to have someone do that for me. 'Cause we all forget sometimes, and it's absolutely the best gift there is.

That's the amazing thing about having a team around me -- not only are we creating communication courses together to bring that gift to the planet, they also only see me as my nobility and awesomeness, and don't let me get away with anything less.

For example, this weekend I managed a communication course. Now this thing is amazingly unmissable, and I got to take a leadership role in it. At one point the course leader asked me to choose whether or not to send a participant home. Was I prepared to do that? No! So I talked to a coach in the program, went inside myself, and had an amazing conversation with this person. I saw that she really had something important at stake in being there, and it was the right thing to have her there. I got her word that I could count on her to participate fully, so she went back in. By the end of the course, the course leader acknowledged me for standing for her, and what it had made available to the other course participants.

It's so amazing to know I have that within me -- I never would have agreed to manage the course if I had known something like that could come up. And I'm so glad I did. Because I know I'll be presented with many situations in life that I'd rather not be in, and it makes all the difference to step up to the plate and swing.

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On another note, I didn't keep my promise to publish 20 blog posts by the end of August. I may not have ever intended to do that... it sure sounded good, though! Since that didn't happen, I'm going to make another promise I can keep - two blog posts per week until the end of November. I'm interested in developing my writing and story-telling, and practice is the way to do it.

the Landmark Forum (a partial list)

Some results I got:

• boldness and courage: committed to teaching an undergraduate political science course before finishing law school
• freedom in expression and communication: saying what's on my mind, even if it's uncomfortable
• confidence: in talking with colleagues, I have something to contribute
• acceptance: realization that I don't have to be perfect or accomplish anything for my family to love me
• freedom from resentment of past incidents (not going to share here)

*this is part of a series introduced here.

Getting clear on a few things that make a difference in my life

I've taken a number of courses and participated in programs in the last several months that are designed to give me access to make a difference in areas of my life that matter to me. I'm going to take a few blog posts to explore what I've gotten out of them, and tell vivid stories about the practical difference they have made in my life.

Why? So I'm clear on what I've gotten for my time and money, and to be able to share with other people to see if the courses would make a difference in their lives. The courses/programs that are the subject of the series are all offered by Landmark Education (here, in the order I've taken them): the Landmark Forum, the Advanced Course, the Self Expression and Leadership Program, Communication: Access to Power, Communication: Power to Create, and the Team Management and Leadership Program (I'm currently in this). Here's the plan: first I'll brainstorm a list, and then expand on a few.

Side thought: this could be a useful exercise to do about anything I've participated in. Hm. Perhaps Baha'i activities, school, work, hobbies, etc.

Other side note: no, I'm not being paid to do this. I'm looking at these things because I know I have gotten a lot out of them, I'm just not clear on exactly what, and I am interested in sharing the best of the best with you.

Ready, set, go!

Since there is nothing but this moment, ‘for the time being’ is all the time there is.

That's a quote from 13th century Zen Master Dogen that I found in a great blog post yesterday, courtesy of my dad. It got me thinking about how I experience life -- spending so much time waiting for X to happen, and then it happens. Or it doesn't. Now what? Wash, rinse, repeat. The author made the point that life is unavoidably tough in some ways (death, financial loss, sickness, and all of the daily annoyances like traffic), and it is easy to forget who we are in the midst of all of that.

I don't experience living as it happens as much as I'd like to, which is what the author teaches through Zen Buddhist meditation. This article piqued my interest in meditation, and I'm going to go to a sitting this week before one of my best friends runs off to California for a couple of weeks and takes my access to her meditation center home with her ;) I too want to see the troubles and pressures of my life, and take them on. Usually when confronted by them, I go into some form of denial, either by ignoring what's going on, or claiming I have no say in the matter, so to switch out of that mode is a choice. A choice to be made every moment.

And that was the teaching of the retreat given by the Zen priest who authored the blog post -- time is nothing other than being. In other words, "to really live is to accept that that you live 'for the time being,' and to fully enter that moment of time." My mom and dad talk about it as "be here now," and in training I've gotten, it's described as "being present." For example, right now I'm writing this blog post, fully immersed in the process of writing, not thinking about the bathroom that will get cleaned or the phone calls I will make (I had to think of them just as an example). I got a lot out of the blog I read, and so I want to share it with you -- it hit home, which is to say it touched my heart. And I keep seeing that my greatest connection with others is when I share what hits home, and get what hits home for them. That's what I hope for from this blog.

I should know

Alright, I'm back in action. I've pledged 20 blog posts before August 28, so here goes!

This one will be about where I was all summer: studying for the bar exam. No, not to be a bartender. To be a licensed attorney in the state of Massachusetts. I felt very official on the essay day beginning each of 10 essays by writing, "The issues presented will be goverened by Massachusetts law of contracts." Wait, you mean they weren't all contracts essays? Argh. See you in February!

The highlight of the studying process was making new friends and studying with them. Sometimes it was silly, sometimes we had ugly pizza, sometimes we sat by the reflecting pool and it was a much better experience for sharing it with others. When they didn't walk around in a major stress fest. Oops, I did that too. One day I showed up for flashcards just unable to get over myself. She was understanding, though. She even tried to help me plan, and when it was clear that I was not cooperating, we called it quits early and went our separate ways.

With that kind of an attitude, how have I managed to stay married for 4 years? That's another story, of love and mawwiage. In any case, I realized I'm not really a loner like I pretended to be in law school. Law students and lawyers are pretty cool people, and I should know ;) And it was a pretty cool feeling (when I wasn't thinking about the reason why) to be sitting in a room full of the state's future lawyers. What will they do? Make companies money? Defend them from litigious Americans? Negotiate contracts? Volunteer to represent people who can't afford to pay a lawyer so they can get proper housing? They'll do everything, because people do everything. And there you go.

ta da!

The haircut from last week. It took a little getting used to. I would stare at the mirror, wondering whose hair was on my head. It certainly wasn't mine! Now I love it - how easy it is to take care of, figuring out small variations in styling, and of course, all the compliments I'm getting. Eh hem... The one I love the most so far is that it looks like the 1920s. That's when I'm wearing pearl stud earrings instead of these silver ones. So you see? I can decade-hop! And lindy hop! I took swing lessons when I was in high school, just for 8 weeks. Now a friend has invited me to go to swing dancing this week, and I'm suddenly inspired to go! So maybe I'll be a bit rusty (no old person comments!), but I think it would be lots of fun.

update

Sometimes I hesitate to really share what hits home. That doesn't ever happen to you, does it? Maybe I'll come off sounding whiny, or entitled, or something that should land me in the world's tiniest violin solo. Then I read posts where bloggers share what hits home for them, and I remember the beauty of it. Here's the one that inspired that thought.

Since my last "post" of procrastinating with lovely music videos, I've graduated. I've actually done it. Finished grad school. I did not think I could do it. I did not ever think the day would come that I would finish. Sometimes even now, I'm not sure I did it. But after 4 years of reading, writing, listening, and teaching, Boston College gave me my degrees in law and social work. And they're in their folders on my dresser, with only the BC seal showing. What, you thought I would frame them? I may buy a $400 suit that I've used a grand total of 4 times, but I am definitely not framing those (maybe ever, but definitely not before I have someone likely to enter my office that I need to impress). Ha, office. That's a theoretical office right now.

Summer plans? Studying for the bar, oh yeah. Treat it like a job, they say.

And starting the Team, Management and Leadership Program offered by Landmark Education. Which means deepening my communication skills, thinking about the year in quarters, meeting new people, and creating new projects.

And a haircut, modeled on Audrey Tatou's to the right. Big change for me -- I've never gone this short. No more hiding behind the hair. What if it's horrible? I have the summer to grow it out before getting it fixed in time for interviews. It won't be horrible, though. It will be different, and something to get used to. I called the salon to see if I could get my appointment for earlier in the day. Now I'm excited!

Will you take a vacation this summer? We front-loaded the vacation, by getting together with family for graduation week. It was so amazing to have all of those people there who have been supporting me the whole time. They love me so much, and it made me so happy to see them. I'm hopeful for a weekend getaway after the bar exam to somewhere local, maybe involving camping.

Side note: It's nice to be back on the blogging horse. Did some reading to get inspired - thank you particularly to DaMomma and Anonymous Cowgirl.

grace in sweet songs

why walk when you can fly?

halley came to jackson

grace in small links

1. Everything's amazing, nobody's happy

2. on Baha'i elections

3. Chapter Titles, a family blog

4. not for wimps, that parenting thing.

5. mmm, food!

grace before 8am

1. a commute including a walk through a city park

2. a robin perched on a garden bench

3. the soft early morning fragrance of spring blossoms

4. finding the perfect prayer to start my day

5. 25 minutes on a bus to begin memorizing that prayer

thank goodness for...

1. cranberry juice + seltzer + lime

2. cool spring evening breeze

3. stories that inspire me to keep going

more grace

1. so many beautiful photos from the Greece trip

2. hamburger smell in a cute cafe on a warm spring day

3. fresh lilies on the table

4. breeze in the cafe

5. a husband who brings me back to earth

grace

1. cranberry bagel

2. free calls to my family

3. figuring out how to get all of my photos on my phone

4. looking for haircut photos

5. good friends who send me the notes when I doze off in class

spring day of small things

1. best color advice: color combinations are more important than the colors themselves. I saw this in an interior design book, and have applied it to they way I dress. Success? I think so... :)

2. beautiful spring days

3. a fun text message from my dad

4. a short morning phone call from my mom

5. not falling asleep in class

the little things, and the big things

1. having big things to be grateful about (see 2&3)
2. brother got into grad school
3. sister got into grad school
4. reconnecting with old friends
5. the generosity of friends who share their parents

take a break!

we all have to take a break from time to time - that's what this blog is doing. I hope to be back soon, although I can't say exactly when. Thanks for your love and support.

I need this

1. a yearly spiritual renewal that I'm smack in the middle of.

2. it's not raining right now.

3. a sweater in a pretty blue that stands out against my red scarf.

4. rainn wilson talking about "the Fashioner" as one of God's names or attributes. He is the Creator, so when we create, we are emulating God. Art as prayer.

5. work, performed in the spirit of service, is worship.